This is probably going to stand on my page for a long time. But I felt at last I should just end my time here for various reasons.
The first and most important factor is how much I now hate drawing and creating art. I feel no joy whatsoever in working on paintings any more. I don't find it fun, I find it to be very hard work.
I open a canvas on Photoshop or SAI, or even use real paper and pencils like before, but the magic isn't there anymore. It feels like a job and a chore and I'm only filled with regret of how much time I have wasted bettering this skill that serves no practical purpose other than getting ideas down. My dream of trying to make my own game has pretty much fallen into a writing hobby and that's all. I have a passion for writing and that's the only place where I can write for myself. Whenever I draw I feel as if it needs to be shown to people and I need to improve with each drawing; when the artwork isn't as good as the last, I will give up.
I know I should draw for myself, but even I have expectations of my own work, plus it is a massive time sink. If I start having a fraction of fun I look at the time and hours have passed and all I feel is regret.
Drawing, unless you are very good at it and know that you will be able to do it for the rest of your life, is a useless skill to have for working purposes. The only people that appreciate art are artists themselves, who are usually short for money.
And regular people who have no appreciation and assume you do it for fun. I charge $60 for a portrait of someone which I print and frame myself, they take 6 hours plus, yet customers never truly understand the time and passion and work that goes into something of such magnitude and the years and hours upon hours of practice and time I poured into the skill. My bar work gets me 23 an hour on a weekday and more on weekends and it's way easier than sweating and stressing over a drawing that's not appreciated.
With University coming up, I've had to do an Arts course before I transfer into the Science degree I desire, because the only results I have from school that are of any worth are Art, English and Photography. This is a year of my life I will be using before I can start doing what I want.
If I had spent my time in high school studying instead of procrastinating by drawing I would be doing the degree I wanted now, if I had truly wanted it I could've finished my bachelor's by now.
So in short, I won't be drawing at all any more, I posted one thing the whole of last year which shows how uninterested I am.
Another reason I'll be leaving this site, is because sakonma (I hope this doesn't tag her) dumped me the the last third of the year. Every time I come on here I am reminded of her, and because she is an exceptionally talented artist, her work appears on the front page with almost every submission.
I won't go into extreme detail, but pretty much the first 5 months were incredible and I was extremely happy. I spent her birthday and our 6 month anniversary in Greece with her for three weeks, which were and still are the best three weeks of my entire life, meeting her and holding her in the airport was the best moment of my life.
Unfortunately due to the time she sank into the holiday and spending time with me, she fell grossly behind on her studies and commission work and the stress became too much. The relationship became very toxic after I returned to Australia and it continued to degrade for a month and a bit until I said how unhappy I was; something I said was misinterpreted horribly, due to the nature of stress and the fact we were communicating through a text based program and she dumped me immediately and we haven't spoken since.
I've been in a very solemn depression since then that I haven't recovered from, the only thing keeping me sane is my exercise, friends and games. I still get very angry and upset over it easily and I'm still paying a $3000 debt I accumulated on gifts and flights and commissions which doesn't seem to go away.
Unfortunately I can't seem to, I invested myself in the relationship to a point in which I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives, the pain has yet to dull but I feel as if leaving this site may help, or I hope so at least.
So that's it, the two reason's I'm leaving dA. I'm waiting on one commission from someone and then I will probably not return, unless it's to commission someone for my book covers/chapters.
So yeah, I'll be checking dA until my commission arrives but after that it's good bye from me. I've met a lot of cool people on here, I've met a lot of bellends on here, but all in all the bads far outweigh the good and any more time spent on here only hurts me and my wellbeing.